Anniversary, musings, with my main Murp

This is a long one. But a very special one. Because as happens with my almost every day I waited too long to find the time to write the story to keep it brief and make it polished. But I have to write it anyway. Because, like I said, this is a special one. A special story about a guy.

My guy. This day. Seventeen years ago on this day in the little red church above the big blue sea. What an unforgettable day. What a life we’ve built. What a love we share.

Some of the days that filled these years were harder than I'd have liked them to be. But look at us, our forever still intact and he’s still standing next to me.

17 years ago we were all young and good looking and naïve to the ways of the married world that lay ahead. Two people who stayed out late and slept in later, who had never argued over finances or stressed over fevers. Ah yes, just two people in love. Little did we know the havoc this world of tantrums and time outs, of skinned knees and schoolwork, of soccer practices and sleepless nights would bring.

Before that day in that little red church we also had no idea how big little love can feel. Never could we imagine that day that when we added our two to us two that our happiness would get even bigger. And that our love could grow stronger. 

But it did. And my James, he lays down his life every day for me, and for us, and what that looks like is a thousand ordinary moments stitched together into the testimony of a good man who comes home to me, to us, every day.

It does my heart good every time I stop to look around. To look around and see the life we've built, the love we share, the world we face, together, every day.

This is our love -- to live each small, sometimes unbearably tedious or impossibly frustrating moment – and every magical momentous moment -- together. To trip over old jokes and misunderstandings. To touch cold feet under the covers and hold our hearts as we watch with pride, and exhaustion, as our children grow. This is our love – and our promise to each other every day – to always come back together to live our messy, beautiful life together.

Happy anniversary to my main Murph – to you and me on this day 17 years ago, every day since, and the forever ahead of us. Thank you for us – all of us. We made it. We are awesome.

Gratitude-at-a-glance

Truly grateful for the big things and the little, the ordinary and the extraordinary. For the mistakes I’ve made and learned from, for the people I’ve met and places I’ve been. I daily count my blessings, say thanks, am aware of how much I have and how much I’ve been given, I notice simple pleasures and wonder how in the world did I get SO LUCKY! For me, remembering to be grateful helps divert my focus away from what I don’t have, and instead appreciate all that I do. I often remind myself, and my kids, to think of losing the little things and the big things we have, the things that perhaps are easy to take for granted. Think about losing those things and then getting them back. How happy you’d be to have them back. Yes, I’d like a pool in my backyard and the ability to travel whenever I want – but that aside…

I am grateful for the smiles of strangers and the kisses of my kids. Grateful to be born of the most beautiful little island in the Caribbean Sea and for the blend of French and Spanish and Indian spices running through my genes. Grateful for the grasp of little fingers holding my hands, and as the song goes, for the skies of blue and clouds of white, each bright blessed day and dark sacred night. 

I am grateful for food. I have food, so much food, and a table in a house with a family to share it with. I may not be very good at cooking it like the Top Chefs or presenting it like Pinterest, but its edible. And considering there are SO MANY MILLIONS around the world suffering from malnutrition, well, there. There is yet another thing I am so abundantly grateful for – food. Especially when it’s Indian food. Or french fries. And mango of course (especially a good chow). 

And as oddball as it sounds, grateful for my overwhelming, color-coded, crazy schedule calendar hanging in the kitchen. Green for sports, red for music, blue for family events, other colors when I can’t find any of the other colors just mentioned. Because you know what that calendar gives me (besides the occasional agida at its madness), it gives me reason to pause and say “wow, we are LUCKY!”. I mean, school pictures and projects means my kids get to go to school, when so many do not because of illness or access or a million other reasons. A good school with great teachers and picture day and science fair and awards for being kind and respectful. They are learning and they are SAFE. And the flyers about activities tacked on and stuffed into this crazy calendar - we work hard to give them this wonderful life that fills up their days and gives them such joy. My work is rewarded with their goals on the soccer field, and home runs filled with pride. It’s music to my ears, literally, that we have a home where they can learn to play the piano each week. This busy calendar means their lives, OUR lives, are filled with things that are making their hearts bigger and brains smarter and body healthier. They have and we have things at our finger tips that so many around the world have to fight for each day – education and freedom.

I am grateful I get to be a grown up. Never mind the bills to pay and the errands to run. I got to grow up. Healthy and safe and now with my own family. I was spared childhood illness and had two parents that loved me. I got to play in the mud and watch Sunday morning cartoons, to swim after school, climb the cherry tree, and run down to my friends house to play. To have sleepovers and birthday parties and learn to read. I went to schools filled with good teachers and surrounded by great friends. I learned to act and write and paint. I got to hit all my milestones and through every stage of my childhood grew into another. I get to work as a grown up. So many do not. Not just work, but work with great organizations that do so much good. And now even to do it on a schedule that lets me be the best mom I want to be. So lucky to be the grown up I am today. So many don’t get this chance to be a grown up with lives lost every single day, every minute in fact, to violence or cancer or heart disease or accident. Whether it be luck, or caution or protection or divine intervention, I have lived a long and wonderful life. I mean really, I am FORTY For goodness sake. Grateful to be a grown up and for the chance to wake up every day and get older. 

Every magazine and television ad, catalog and television show – it’s never ending temptation to want more or better or different or new. But when I squeeze my eyes shut, or the magazines with the pretty things get eaten by the dog, well then all I see is how awesome everything is right in front my eyes, exactly as it is. Well, maybe not EXACTLY, the laundry should be put away and the dog hair is literally covering every single surface of my house. But, you get my drift. Pretty. Awesome. Life.

I am grateful for Facebook friends. Yes, a category all in itself. And gasp, yes I called out social media in my gratitude challenge. I assure you I do that in the least shallow was possible. Think about it – my work as mom, my work outside of mom, and I live a bajillion miles away from most of my friends. This online world is a daily lifeline to people I like and love and admire and miss from all over the world. How many of these 553 Facebook friends would give up a kidney for me, or speak at my funeral? Probably not most. But I still really like being connected to them. I may have met them in elementary school or through my big brother, perhaps we worked together 10 years ago or met in my old neighborhood park pushing babies in strollers. To have a chance to see and share in and enjoy the accomplishments of all the people I’ve met along my almost four (gasp) decades of life is pretty awesome. To be just one more person to offer kind words during their struggles is an honor. Plus, I get lots of good travel-book-recipe-photography and other ideas from them.

I am grateful for old friends. You know the ones, the ones that take you back, way back, and have stuck with you ever since. The ones whose parents never even blinked an eye when I climbed the fence at the smell of their Sunday BBQ or questioned that I was sleeping over (again). Old friends who know me inside out, and have known (and loved) every version of me that I have ever been. Distance has never dampened our friendship and their closeness will always be a comfort. The ones who inspire insanely exciting reunions filled with shrieks of joy and running-jumping full body hugs that squeeze you till you squeak They can tell the BEST (and worst) stories about me. Our inside jokes will NEVER stop being funny. There is photographic evidence of decades of hair and fashion faux pas experienced together. They were by my side as I graduated and when I’ve had my heart broken. Calculating how long I have know them blows my mind (and reminds me how old I am). There is pride in each other’s accomplishments and support (or laughter) for each other’s downfalls. We can pick up right where we left off, even if hundreds of miles, states, oceans, continents and decades have separated us. We don’t just care about each other, we care about each other’s kids and husbands and friends and lives and health issues and choices and opinions. I’m grateful to have seen their roots and for them to have seen mine. Thank you for letting me be braggy, PMSy, funny, silly and everything else I’ve ever been – and wanting to be my friend anyway. Know that I will email, text, and use Facebook always but nothing will ever compare to hearing your voice and seeing your face at the same time. 

I am Grateful for new friends. Now understand that by new I mean in less than a decade (cuz I’m old like that). The ones I made in my life with kids. In my suburban years. In my little blue house on the corner of Hampton. Before I had kids, friendships were either those handed to me (kids of my parents, neighbors, classmates) or friends chosen and all about me (who I wanted to hang out with, had stuff in common with, could depend on for a good time). Enter kids. Though this new group is not made up entirely of “mom friends” well they are a glorious majority. My new friends may not know where Trinidad is, have ever had the pleasure of hearing me sing, or enjoy rum or afternoon tea – but these mom friends, friends who get it, get the hassle, struggles, privilege, triumphs and schedules of mom-hood; and make it easier for me just in their understanding, well that’s a pretty awesome group of friends. Like the moms I’ve met at the bus stop - new friends who will hopefully move into the old friends bucket with me as our kids grow up together. And the friends with babies – because I’m done making babies, and I really like to hold yours (then hand them back – thank you for the free birth control). And then there are the mom’s of my kid’s friends. You know the ones, the kids get along so well they can go off and play together and we are left to chat, sit , sip and breathe without a distraction - magic fairy dust of new friendships. And my book club friends who forced me out of my baby years reading sabbatical and brought me back to the wonder of words that were not just 20 point font and accompanied by drawings of rabbits. These book club broads will undoubtedly merge into my old friend bucket – I know all too well that though our kids will grow up and move out, our friendships will stay right where they started. 


So, THANK YOU, to everyone who has given me things and ways and reasons to be grateful and made me so VERY LUCKY. I have enough. More than enough. What a wonderful world indeed.

Lucky to have her in my life.

And here we have it, another fine lady hits the fabulous 40s! I know without a fraction of a doubt that I love this girl the way so many others do. And I'm okay with that. Because Carla here defines friendship at its BEST. I know I've gotta' share that with the world.

She makes every single person she encounters feel special.

She bends backwards and jumps hoops like Jordan himself to do this.

She loves my kids as though they were her own. And my hubby.

She even loves my slobbery dogs.

She does not care if I my house is a mess or my roots are grey.

She doesn't even care if I'm not wearing a bra under my sweatshirt.

She loves to maco, just like me.

She has an encylopedic memory - good since I often can't remember last week (though bad because she remember me at 17).

She does not let the world just go by - she has stepped into it and made such a mark on the hearts of those around her. I am so very lucky to have you in my life.

 

So, happy birthday to my Carla Warla. 

Thank you for your friendship. 

Thank you for creating joy and wiping tears, for offering hugs, cocktails and comfort, support, love and laughs for 30 years. Thank you for being there as I became who I am today, and every iteration of me I was since we were 10 years old. Thank you for being by my side when I married the love of my life, when my dad died and when my babies were baptized. Thank you for every ordinary day you've shared with me over the years. Thank you for sharing snow cones and rotis, stories and memories. Thank you for always, even in the midst of the noise and clutter of our messy lives, bringing moments to my life that have made me stronger, happier and hopeful. Thank you for defining some of the best of the human spirit - kindness and compassion.

So on your big 40, I raise my glass from too far away and say not only happy birthday but thanks. Thanks for being the real deal. I wish you a lifetime of days like today where you are surrounded by love and showered with happiness.

Conversations with Emma. Not your typical conversation, more like monologues, a running soliloquy

Conversations with Emma. 

Not your typical conversation, more like monologues, a running soliloquy

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September 29, 2015. 4:12 pm. - I ask, Emma, how was school today? 
Emma: We played a survival game and so I was a crazy baby and kept running off then I got trapped in a dungeon and every time I got out a magical force pulled me back in and then I found a hypnotizing gun.  Then next time then Juliana was my assistant and I got out by hypnotizing the person who trapped me into turning off the magical force then I had to catch Emerson and Avery and put them to sleep. Then the bell rang and I had to learn again, I think it was social studies.

April 18, 2014. 9:30 am. Conversation with Emma while driving this morning.
Emma: "Mom, do you know you are never alone?"
Me: "I know, I've always got the people I love in my heart."
Emma: "And remember mom, God is always standing by your side."
Little girl. Big heart. Sweet soul.


October 12, 2013. 8:30 PM: "Thank you God for a happy day. Thank you for mommy and daddy and zachy and school and soccer. Please tell gramps I said hi. and please, please, please give murphy kisses for me and tell him how much I love him and miss him." Every night since we lost our Murphy dog, every single night she sends her love to him in Heaven. Some nights still there are tears. Other nights its followed with smiles, smiles and stories of Murphy dog on his heaven cloud looking down on us as he naps.

MAY 12, 2013. 7:45 PM (ish): "I feel sad, I don't know why. I'm really tired. I just need you to make me feel better. You always make me feel better, mommy. It's like you have magic mommy. I don't want to read a book tonight. Will you snuggle with me mommy. Really close. I want to hold hands. Really close. I'm tired mommy. I feel better now."  (Mommy magic, it's still good for catching those moments you'll never, ever, forget. The ones you don't need a journal to remember, because they live in your heart. Forever).


 March 25, 2013. 6:30 p.m.(ish) Is dinner ready yet?  Mum, when are you going to finish cooking dinner? Can I have a snack? Can I play? Okay, come to my hotel when you are finished cooking.  It is a free hotel. For people who have no money. Are you finished cooking dinner yet? Can you play with me? I have a hotel. But remember, its really just my room. Okay, you can have a room with a window and outside is the ocean and the grass is the beach and the brown trees are your favorite coconut trees. But remember, its really just my bedroom. You can have any pets you like at my free hotel. What kind of pet would you like? A gorilla, a bear, a doll?  And you press this button, here this on the door, and then it will be me coming like a hotel owner and I can make you free dinner. The name of the hotel? Ummm, it's "Free hotel for everyone" hotel by Emma.  I am going to cook for you now. Would you like ketchup to drink? Okay, I will make you lamb chops and ice cream.  And you can stay in my hotel for the whole night. Am I a good hotel maker mom? Zaccchheeeee, come to the hotel with me and mommy. It's free. Its fun.  Zacheeee, come on!!  Mum, is dinner ready yet?  This is fun.

November 29, 2012. 6:32 am: mommy.  Mommy. Are you awake? Can you open your eyes yet? Daddy went to work. I’m going to get my dollys and read them a story in your bed. Your face is warm. I love you mommy. So much. Can you read a story to me? A long time ago there used to be princesses you know. They lived in castles. Are princesses real mommy? Princess Kate is real? Did she die a long time ago? Wow, can I see her? I love ballet. Do you want me to show you my new ballet moves? I learned it in ballet class. The Christmas show at school is really fun. I have to bring in flashlights to school for the show. Miss Marie got us all Christmas pajamas for the show mommy. Are you coming to my show? Is daddy coming to my show? Do you remember when I started to learn to read? Listen to me read, mommy. Can we get breakfast now? I think Zachy woke up. I’m going to check. Yes, he woke up. He is on the potty reading a book. Are you awake mommy? Do you want to get up now? Can I have oatmeal for breakfast please? I don’t want carrots in my lunch box today mommy.  In school the other day my friend Merrick lost his tooth at school. When will I lose a tooth mommy? Daddy says we are going to mom-mom and pop-pop’s house on the next day. Can we have a sleep over at their house? Yayyyy!  You opened your eyes!  I love you mommy. When is Auntie Carla coming to visit again? And uncle Eric. I like them. Can I have a waffle for breakfast?  Hi Zachy, mommy is awake now!  6:34 am.


March 21, 2012. 8:01 p.m.: Each evening the kids start their bed time prayers with Thanks and end with Please.  
"Thank you God for a happy day, thank you for mommy and daddy and Zachy and Murphy. Thank you for my new yellow shoes and sunshine.  Thank you God for the best mommy, we both love pink skittles candy and she saved some for me when she came home from work in her truck. Please God can I have two cookies in my lunch kit tomorrow instead of one, and please God can I be just like mommy when I am growed up. I want to be really nice like her with brown skin and a really good singer that's so nice and fun." LOVE LOVE LOVE this child.

March 19, 2012: 7ish p.m.: At the dinner table. Lots of talking, not a lot of eating.
"Mommy today I had the best day ever. I did a good job in my rhyming at circle time and did spring and sing and king.  And I was reading books about dancing frogs and played outside on the crazy cars and part of the car was wet so I told my teacher and then did you know what is best ever? zachy got the award for nicest kid in class. did he tell you? i was nice too and i played with billy and then it was the best day when i was a good listener in class and played pirates with taylor who is one of my best friends. who is your best friend mommy? i danced today while zach was practicing his piano, i want to play piano lessons too.  i don't want to eat any more ok? did you know that princesses like spring because the flowers come up from the mud and look so pretty and meadow is my friend because she is so nice and you told me to always be so nice too. right mommy? ok, i'll finish, can i have whipped cream with my strawberries if i eat all my broccoli?


August 2, 2011: What was your favourite part of today?
Well mommy my favourite part of today was riding the horses. Can we please get a horse for our house?  A brown one. Or if you like brown and white horses we can get one of those too. They are really nice and he could be Murphys friend. You should not go to work and then you could ride the horses too. And I like when I go swimming too. Because I am four years old and I am a good swimmer. I wore a bikini today like yours. I like my belly. Am I still four years old? When can I have another birthday? I played with my friends today, that was my favourite too because I like my friends but sometimes when someone is not nice I don't like to play with them.  Is it time for dessert? What can I have for dessert? Do we have whipped cream for the strawberries. Look I ate all my carrots. Zachy can I have your carrots? I do not want any more chicken, my belly is full. Can I still have strawberries. I didn't play tennis today like Zachy. I like when you come home early and have dinner with me. I want to go to work with you. Can I help you at work? Who are your friends at work? Are they your best friends? Are they always nice to you like Kayla and I are nice friends? Yayyyy, time for strawberries. Can I ride my bike too? Am I being a good girl so I can get a book after bath and prayers and songs? This is fun mommy.

LOVE LOVE LOVE this little girl. She makes every day ok.

June 25, 2011: Saying Goodnight
Thank you God for a happy day. Thank you for my mommy, and daddy, and zachy and murphy. Mommy will you sing me two songs tonight? Thank you God for mom-mom and pop-pop and grammy and gramps and I wish gramps didn't have to die, its nice that he lives with God in Heaven but mommy misses him and I want to play with him too because I never met Gramps and we would have fun. And thank you God for Chinese food and laser tag at Michael's party and Baby Blue Barbeque and playing on my scooter with Zachy. Please God can we have another sunny day so we can go to the pool and swim and help the sick kids get better. I can't wait to go to camp. Amen. Two songs now mommy please, sunshine and maria and then a kiss and a hug and can you tell daddy to come upstairs and give me a kiss and a hug too please.


April 13, 2011: Mommeeee you're home so now we can play pirates!!
Screeched loudly as she ran up the steps in glee realizing I was home early
Mommy, you're home early!! I had a really good day today. I played today and then I thought of something I dreamed will come true. I made a star painting on my easter egg with pink shiny stars. I thought of something else! Do you want to play pirates with me and then can we watch a show while you make us yummy dinner? You came home early today and yesterday you came home late because I called you on the phone to hear you sing me songs and you were still at work and going to have dinner with your friends so you told me you loved me and I'm gonna get my backpack and show you something really quick. Look I have my bunny and can I put that magazine in my backpack too? And did you remember to buy jelly mommy because tomorrow I don't want pasta for lunch me and Zachy want peanut butter and jelly. And then daddy gave us a bath and did you remember to kiss me when you got home? It was raining when I went to bed last night. Oh my gosh let's go to the beach. We can pretend your bed is the beach and look your blanket is blue like the ocean and there are sharks and octopuses and this is my pirate sword! Wooosh I'm surfing really fast to be a pirate princess. OK? The pirates are on the ocean. We can't go swimming today. It rained at school today too so we couldn't play outside.  Mommy I love you twenty hundred times so much that the moon is shining so bright. That's cool right?

 My life would be SO much less interesting without this little girl. This kind of real, unconditional, funny, sweet LOVE is the most fulfilling pirate treasure in the world. Simply put, it takes my breath away.  And while I would love a beach vacation away, the ability to buy myself cute dresses and sexy shoes and see my friends more often - this, well this is truly right where I am supposed to be.

March 11, 2011: The conversation begins "There are monkeys, bad monkeys...."
There are monkeys (bad monkeys) outside the volcano and a lot of fire in the ground, mommy.  I love you a lot. I napped at school and I played nicely and I shared and listened to my teachers. I told you I learned about dinosaurs. What are you writing, mommy?  This food is too hot for me. I need a drink. I want the big cup. Sometimes I love to eat ice. We have to have dessert. Are we going to take a shower or a bubble bath?  I was right Zachy. I took a big bite. Where is heaven?  How did she get there? Do you like bunny ears? I’m almost done mommy! You are still writing, mommy?  Can I write too? I know how to write, listen – 1,2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14.  Is that good?  And then we could ride fast across the ocean on a boat to a beautiful castle.  What are we having for dessert? Can I have some more drink please.



February 26, 201: A partial transcript on my "conversation" with Emm during the 10 minute drive from the bookstore to the house.....

"there were bears in the street and my favourite color is yellow. i don't know how. then i was on sesame street. when zachy is done with the book i want it. and then you put a band aid on it because you fell and hurt yourself. what's a borders? mommy it fell on the floor. zachy its my turn to talk! i saw a fire truck with my teachers and sam my best friend was there. can we go to the fire station? the fire men love me because i am a good girl today and i'm being a good listener with no screaming. i'm going to be a doctor. can i have a lollipop after nap? the monster has bunny ears. isn't that funny? he shook his head then murphy tip toed but he does not bark so he layed down in the grass and took a nap under the tree. i'm a good swimmer and i learned myself and i swam under the water faster and faster and faster. my hair is not long like a princess. rapunzel has shiny, long princess hair. i'm going to play the piano like zachy. this shoe is untied mommy. i'm going to sing you a song now. ouch i poked myself in the eye. that's so funny. i see our house!"

For Xavier. For Jackie & Nate. For anyone who has a wish to spare, a prayer to offer, goodwill to share.

Today I ask that if you have a wish to spare, a prayer to offer or even some good will to share – please send it to Xavier and his family.

Tomorrow will mark one year since our friends Jackie and Nate took Xavier to CHOP for his Fontan heart surgery. Since that day Jackie and Nate have spent almost every day at CHOP watching as their beautiful boy fights his way back.

This family - today they are still in that Hospital room- praying, waiting, hoping, wishing and working alongside Xavier’s team to bring him home.

This family has had to hand their baby boy off to doctors and nurses more times than anyone should – kissing him without the certainty of what would happen next. They have prayed, hoped and held on to their faith for so many years – since the day he was born and didn’t know how long his tiny broken heart would keep him in this world. But this boy’s broken heart holds more strength than an army – he continues to fight. He continues to inspire everyone who knows him.

This family – they have celebrated Christmas and anniversaries, birthdays and seasons changing in that Hospital room. They have seen their family torn between their home and the Hospital. With incredible support all around Xavier’s little sister has been surrounded by love even as her family is split between two worlds.

This family. They fight for him when he cannot fight for himself. Their love is unconditional. They are brave. They are strong.

But they are also sometimes broken. How can they not be as they watch their little boy fight harder than any child should ever have to fight. They miss their family. They miss his smile. They cry and pray and wish and hope and beg for his pain to end and for his childhood to begin again.

I have not walked in their shoes. I can sympathize as a mom. But cannot empathize as heart mom – I have not “been there”. Some of their closest friends are the heart community around them who have walked this path before them and now with them. It is a community that continues to lift them up, and hold them up when they can no longer stand.

CHOP, and the nurses and doctors whose names and smiles they have grown to know as well as their own, is the place they have had to call a second home. It is the place that continues to give Xavier hope for a childhood again. And he so deserves that childhood. One filled with apple picking on a glorious fall day like today, summer days at the pool and first days of school.

This is not a path they chose but all of us who have walked it with them, or even just lent a shoulder, a hand or a smile as they made their way, we know they are doing everything they can to make sure Xavier never walks this path alone.

As my birthday inches closer I am reminded of the same wish I made last year – for Xavier to not have to fight so hard and for his bruised body and soul to be healed so that he can be given back a life filled with love and laughter and the joys he deserves.

My heart breaks for them but at the same time is filled with love and admiration for their own love and strength, no matter how battered they may feel it has been at times.

Please say a prayer, send a wish, take a moment. This is not fair

First Day of Middle School

So on this misty morning it begins, middle school. 

I wish I could hide in his backpack to slay all his dragons and breathe fire on anyone who dares to hurt him. 

But I cant (or can I?). So my message to my Z this morning was one he's heard from me before: Be brave. Be kind. Be happy. Be you. 


I'll cross my fingers and hope for the best. I'll hope we've given him the strength to find his own happiness and hold his head up high. I shouldn't worry. He's made of good stuff this kid. 

And he's got a black belt buddy he can call on for back up when I can't be there to slay the dragons. It's cool.

Fourteen years ago today in that little red church above the big blue sea

This guy. This day. Fourteen years ago today in that little red church above the big blue sea. What an unforgettable day. What a life we’ve built. What a love we share.

Some of the days that filled those years were harder than I'd have liked them to be.
But no matter what, this is the guy I want for my forever standing next to me.

Look at us - all young and good looking and naïve to the ways of the married world ahead of us. Just two people who had never pushed a swing for hours or wiped another person’s butt. Two people who stayed out late and slept in later, who had never argued over finances or stressed over fevers. Ah yes, just two people in love.

Little did we know the havoc this world of tantrums and time outs, of skinned knees and schoolwork, of soccer practices and sleepless nights would bring.

Before that day in that little red church we were also two people who had never known the magic of a lullaby sung by the dim of a firefly nightlight. Or chased nightmares aware, felt pride at first footsteps, built forts in our bed or known how big little love can feel. Never could we imagine that day that our happiness would get even bigger. Bigger because of two little people. Two little people that make our anniversary mean so much more.

So happy anniversary to my main Murph – to you and me on this day 14 years ago, every day since, and the forever ahead of us. 

Thank you for us – all of us.

Kids and Cancer. Chasing those grey clouds away.

The Belle of Langhorne - Please don't take her Sunshine away.

I talk a lot. You know I do if you know me. And I often share too much - you’ve seen it on here, me rambling on and on and on…... Then sometimes, sometimes I’m left speechless. Perhaps that’s when I ramble on the most to find the right words.

Belle was diagnosed with Stage 4
Alveolar Rhabdomyosarcoma.

Like now, because there are no right words. No words to describe what I felt when I found out one of Emma’s friends had been diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer. Stupid cancer. No words to make it fair that that this little girl will now have to battle an aggressive cancer at the age of 6 with 42 weeks of chemotherapy. Stupid cancer.

As I often do, last night I sang at the kids’ bedtime, “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine”. Is there a mother in this world that does not know this song? My guess is that even reading these words you are singing it inside your head. This song seems to have been adopted by parents everywhere - a song about that intense love at first sight we feel. It seems to be coded in my DNA, an act of love like a kiss, a hug, holding hands to cross the street.

As I sang last night I thought of Isabella. And I tell you I was indescribably sad. Then I remembered what it takes to chase those grey clouds away. 

Isabella and friends dance at a fundraiser
event held in her honor at the Trenton Thunder 

It takes the community that rallies around her family with meals and prayers and gifts and support. Like the incredible advances made in treatments for this kind of cancer, the advances that give such hope and such promise for a lifetime ahead filled with dance recitals and school days and roller coasters. And the best medical team ever, the team at CHOP that WILL help her beat this. I believe.

Life and loss seems inevitable, it breaks all of us sometimes. But our children, the greatest of loves, the ones who bring such an intense and lasting sunshine to our lives ----- I feel like nothing and nobody has the right to take that sunshine away.

So today I share Isabella’s Battle Fund. A page set up and supported by a community of friends and family who have rallied around this family to take every step we can to help her, to help them, battle this beast.

Please say a prayer, send your support, make a meal or send a thought to Isabella and her family.

Get Ideas for Your Next Fundraiser

Made in 1975 and aging towards perfection (work in progress). It’s my birthday. Again. The last year of the third decade of my life. Holy Moly! 39 years is a lotta’ years that have taught a lotta’ lessons. Foremost, life is short and there is not enough time to leave the important words unsaid and the special people unnoticed. 

And you know what, if I pull on my memory strings and flip though the photos and words that document my life, I think I did pretty well this decade. Made two pretty awesome human beings. Held down good jobs and made great friends. I am still not cool. But I am still happy. I’ve managed to get back up every time I fell down, cried a lot (laughed a lot more) and exercised a little. I have not travelled the world but I have built a family. I still don’t know how to apply make-up but I do know how to cook a mean curry. 

If I look at that imaginary bucket list in my head, I can’t say I have everything I want out of life. Yet. But there’s sweet anticipation in knowing the empty spaces have the possibility to be filled with the wonderful unknown. And the spaces that have been filled are done so with everything I need, and so much more.

So today as I blow out my candles …….

• I’ll be grateful to everyone who’s made me.
• I’ll be thankful that I get today, to be here one more day, with the hopeful promise of many more.
• And I’ll make a wish, a special wish for healing for Xavier’s special heart.

Magical moment. Pure & Perfect Love.

There is nothing at all  that can prepare you for the love you will feel for your children. And just now, as I kiss their sleeping little faces one last time for the night, push aside the stuffed animals and tuck them in just a little tighter, well that love just wells up - overwhelming in its perfection. 

Magical, sleepy, soapy smelling little nightlight-glow moment.

Last day of kindergarten

As mom’s our guard is forever up – sacrifices made, protecting, watching, supporting. But confessions be made, our hearts still break, and me - I am a crier. And it’s serious, I cry at every Hallmark and Purina commercial. And I cried today, no advertising involved. Last day of Kindergarten for Emma. Bittersweet. I cried the entire drive over, and the entire drive back. It’s official, my baby days are over. 

Enjoy every moment friends of little ones. Though the tantrums and teething and sleepless nights may distract, soak up every single baby day, because it’s so true – it goes fast. Sniff.

I am forever grateful for this year where my Emma continued to grow into the glorious little girl that she is, tying shoes, mastering reading, scoring at soccer and learning patience, control and persistence (those last three works in progress, for sure). 

 I celebrate alongside all of my parent friends these end of school-year milestones, the strength it takes to close a chapter and knowing that when one ends, another begins...